Friday, April 2, 2010

Blast you Spring pollen!

It is that time again, when I spend tons of money on 5 different allergy medications which can be conveniently bought over the counter. My eyes are itchy, and I can't stand it. The watery mess which comes out of them leads people to believe I am having a breakdown so I have to frequently respond to their caring inquiries with, "I'm just fine, I have allergies." When I was a child, I had an arm test to see which allergens I react to. The only one that caused the skin to pop up was trees. I am apparently allergic to tree pollen. This time of year is when the city of trees, Sacramento, pollinates itself. Oh the flowers are pretty, but like everything pretty in life, it can kill you. (That means you Natalie Portman!) I am managing however.

Last week was exceptionally sad. My friend from the war Chad O'leary died. He was found dead at his mother's home in Topeka KS, and toxicology ruled the death as an overdose, and nobody is sure if it is accidental or not. He was a good man. Much like the rest of us who came back from the war, Chad suffered from PTSD, Post traumatic stress disorder. He was a gunner in a Humvee, playing a security role in a convoy in Iraq. His Humvee rolled over an IED, an improvised explosive device, which blew up and compressed his body. The main damage was to his and teams mental health. Surviving a bomb blast is traumatic. I survived small arms fire, and mortars and feel the pinch of PTSD with those simple things. Chad actually got blown up. One way or another, I firmly believe the PTSD led to his death and because he received the trauma from serving his country, then I believe Chad is a hero. He will forever be in my memory as one of my "true" buddies from my years in the Army.

I found out that there is going to be an open casting call for the TV show Glee at the Arden Fair mall here in Sacramento. The producers of glee are looking to cast 3 new people for the show and put out a request for video tape submissions. The video tape submissions however do not apply to Sacramento. 92.5 FM and FOX 40 got rights to somehow throw an audition and pick a winner to be presented directly to the producers of the show without a middle man throwing your audition out. The date for this is next Monday at 5:00pm. I do have class that starts at six but I am willing to be late to audition for this show. I think the Glee cast could use a fat guy to add some diversity. They are looking for what the business calls a triple threat, a person who can sing, act and dance. I can act, as well as sing very well dancing not so much. I will really have to try to ace the acting and singing parts, so the judges can overlook my horrid dancing.

My car is in the shop again, it need a new shifting assembly. I am being fleeced $880for the repairs. On the plus side they are throwing in a free car wash which makes this all worthwhile. I am using a loaner car and I am lucky to have gotten a Honda Accord with sunroof, all leather seats, duel exhaust and digital/electronic everything. Pretty nice loaner.

My brother, sister in law, niece and nephew are coming over this weekend so we can go to church as a giant family. Ironically, I never wanted to be a holiday Christian, (i.e. a person who claims Christianity as their religion yet practices it twice a year on Easter and Christmas.) I am however returning to church since last going on... Christmas Sunday. I am a real American at last. I practice religion at my convenience. I had wanted to do the Jewish thing this year and have a passover Seder, but I lost track of time, and never got around to planning it all out. I am however conflicted by a growing Jewish identity, based on my family genetics and ancestry, yet a faith in Yeshua (Jesus),Christianity and modern science. I am looking for middle ground.

I had wanted to go this weekend to Wondercon, the biggest Northern California comic book, pop-culture, sci-fi convention. Sadly, the car was in the shop, I have family coming over, and I procrastinated on my Spring Break homework. Chewbacca (or the fellow who played him rather) was going to be signing autographs. I can only hope he will be at Comic Con in San Diego this July. Comic Con is the biggest convention of it's kind on the entire planet. Last year saw crowds of over 150,000 people a day. That's what I call standing room only. If you think I am a big geek, go to comic-con and see the freakiest of the freaks.

I have begun selecting classes for this summer and fall semesters at CSUS. My 2 summer classes will be all online, so that will be something new. On the plus, I will avoid the high price of summer gasoline, and I won't have to worry about my vacation interfering with class, I do own a laptop. My fall semester is a complete block of senior seminar History courses. This is the big boy stuff. The core classes needed for the degree. I calculated based on credits I need that I will have to take 2.5 more semesters of school. Or take on a bigger load and do 2 more semesters for my BA. I am excited because it is coming along just fine. Within a year, my earnings potential will rise incredibly. I see job postings for decent paying jobs all the time that don't care what your degree is in so long as you have one. In this current economy, many individuals with a high school education or less are struggling, at least I know I will have the ability to compete through this recession. I actually want to go as far a getting my PHD in a dual History and Humanities major. I think a person needs to understand culture and religion to be able to really understand historical events.

In minor news, I just saw the trailer for Iron Man II, and I cant wait to see it next month. Robert Downey Jr. is a brilliant actor.

The music video of the day is "Dare you to move", by the band Switchfoot

Saturday, March 20, 2010

At last that full feeling

On Thursday I received my 2CC's of saline into my gastric Lap-band. I had an appointment that apparently didn't matter to sutter general hospital. I had to wait an additional hour, due to who knows what, and they also chose to torture me, by making sure Judge Judy was on their waiting room TV with no remote control in sight. Eventually I did get to move into what looked to be a state of the art X-ray room, where they could X-ray in real time and the X-ray machine was a giant robot, with 6 TVs so the doctor could see different views and not be near the radiation. It took them 20 minutes to get the syringe into my access port. The whole time I was constantly X-rayed. This is how super hero's are made or possibly future 3 eyed children. At first I felt fine, I drank a cup of water for the nurses so they could see that I could hold it down. When I went home and tried to have a sandwich, not drinking anything as the diet says to do, I felt a lot of pain. I felt like I would explode. I learned a valuable lesson. As this lapband gets more and more full, I need to chew more and more and eat slower and slower. When I follow the diet and not drink with my meals (thus keeping food stuck in my pouch), I get full in a few bites and can stay that way for hours. The goal now is to train myself to recognise real hunger. I have started to notice more and more, how eating was so much a part of my routine. It is just weird to not be eating all around the day. I am at a loss. I guess this is what life will be like from now on. I will no longer eat out of boredom, or out of some mental comfort, where I try to fill a void with food. I will eat to get the hunger response to go away, to get nutrition. As the saying goes, "Eat to live not Live to eat." I expect to start shedding pounds very rapidly now.

In other news, some dork wad at either school or the hospital keyed my car to the metal real good on the back passenger side of my car. I have no idea what I did to this person that would make them want to try and ruin my paint job. I park within spaces correctly, I have a small car, not a giant truck. I don't look for a fight with people. It is sad really. I had to go to the Nissan dealer today and find matching paint, which for only a 1/2 ounce cost me 18 dollars. That is right, apparently automobile paint is worth its weight in street drugs. Oy Vey. I put rubbing compound on the scratches but they will need to be touched up with the paint I bought. This is why I want to take mixed martial arts classes again like in the military. Yes I am a big boy but I definitely want to learn a few more ways to beat the crap out of a potential aggressor. Perhaps even make the person who keyed my car, regret it.

I am being forced to watch another horrid movie in my recent American films class. After watching the orgy flick "Eyes wide shut", the depressing, "Rachel getting married", and the lesbian fight club rip off called, "Mulholland Drive", we are now being forced to have even more political garbage crammed down our throats with "Brokeback Mountain". So far these films have been picked apparently not for their technique or writing but how much they go against the mainstream middle. I don't want to be forced over and over again to watch gay people have sex in my film class. It was in 3 of the 6 movies we have watched. This dude, is obsessed with gay sex, and I am thinking about being that guy, and reporting him to the dean. This class is so far off track of having any real educational meaning, that I feel the students and the school are loosing money so my professor can cram his one sided, "Gay sex movie" agenda down my throat. I am in this college class to learn about film, not watch gay porn. Most teachers are lefty's meaning lean left. I don't care. Sometimes I lean left. The part that makes me want to jam a pencil in my ear, is when the teacher has something to prove, and his goal is not to teach a subject but to win a vote. Anyways, I will not write another sentence about this.

I have begun nourishing the kid within myself, and started buying Star Wars vehicles. I don't play with them, but they are fun to look at and wonder. I have always dreamed of going to space. I wonder if somewhere in the universe there are worlds like our own that have intelligent life, which have developed the ability to explore the universe. I took my new toy vehicles and hung them near a couple of posters in my room. Yes, I still have posters. I don't see why it is, that at 25 I cant have posters, or toys. I function just fine in the world, I went to war and did what needed to be done, I attend college and work at a job contributing to society. In some ways, I feel more adult than some 40 year old people. I also don't think having a baby necessarily makes a person a parent.

This pretty much sums up the highs and lows of my week. I hope very much for a beautiful ending to the life I have been given. The music video of the day is by the inspirational band "Barlow Girl" and the song is "Beautiful Ending"

Music video | Beautiful Ending video

Saturday, March 13, 2010


It was a no good very bad week school wise. I forgot to check my assignments due for my myth class and missed turning in an essay. Luckily my professor is old, rigid, and does not except late work, no matter the circumstances. Apparently in the eyes of my professor, all of us college students, need to be forced to go to class, so she takes attendance, and every student is trying to pull the wool over her eyes. In the words of Seth Myers on Saturday Night Live, "Really!?!...". There is however extra credit available worth only a 5th of what the paper was worth. I have to see the Sac State theater production of "Metamorphosis" based loosely on 10 different myths performed comedic with puppets. I saw a preview for the production and it wasn't that bad. Granted, the live acting aspect was sad, but the lines and puppets were cool. Currently tickets are buy 1 get 1 free. The shows I can go to are on the weekend so whether I like it or not, I need a date by definition. I asked one person who freaked out, and gave me the silent treatment. I made it all better though by calling her several times, saying nothing, just breathing heavy. LOL no, I didn't do anything perceived crazy stalkerish, although it would have been really fun to have.

I work in north Natomas, a very new area attached to south Natomas, an area notorious for crime and gang activity. After hearing the latest on crime from a friend of mine who lives in Natomas I looked up the local crime reports for Antelope. Antelope should basically be considered a no man's land, due to the apparent state of anarchy the sheriff's crime tracker software showed. Due to budget cuts, the county sheriff has cut back units, and response time is very slow. One officer said in a local neighborhood watch, that we were basically on our own for preventing crime. I took this grim news as a call to action! (Insert Danny Elfman's Batman soundtrack). Less than 6 months ago my car stereo, gps, and baseball bat were all snatched from my vehicle outside my home, while I slept. The perp was never found, and an already paranoid former soldier like myself became a little more paranoid. I invested in self defense items. I patrol the house with a bat when I cannot sleep. I bought a few 12" fixed blade gutting knives, 2 stun guns, 4 cans of various size pepper sprays, and I make sure to lock the doors. I also bought a Viper alarm system for my car. This time the alarm had better go off, then I can run my fat self outside naked with a sparking taser and scare the perp into nightmares, they only wish they could stop.
I now wait for the moment I will have to defend my family from a vicious gang of rapist neo-Nazi's, I can use lines like, "I am the night" and "you picked the wrong town evil doer!" I digress.

I have an official day now that my band will get two CC's of saline solution. That will be this Thursday the 18th. I haven't really lost weight since the surgery because the band hasn't been filled. All my food slips down immediately into the lower stomach. Thus I am in limbo, awaiting the true lap band diet which starts Thursday morning. "I AM!" going to lose this weight. I have noticed that as I approach my 26th birthday many more women seem to be flirting with me. I myself, much like George Clooney,have that mysterious older man appeal. Haha I can't even keep a straight face. None the less there will be more fills of the band in the future until I can reach optimal weight loss.

Spring break is at the end of the month, and I need to plan something, anything. In the words of Bilbo Baggins, "I need a Holiday". Whatever that thing is, it needs to be outside the Sacramento area. Not that Sac doesn't have stuff to do, I just know that my subconscious will recognize this area as home, and thus not receive the pleasure of leaving mental hell. I look forward to Comic-Con in July and wonder what celebrities I will meet this year. It was nice meeting Mia who plays the new Alice in Tim Burton's movie. I sensed a connection. She seemed so nice, yet I sensed sadness, as if secretly her life was out of control. I hope I was wrong in my assessment of her. Hollywood has been known to kill, sometimes literally with murder (Nat Wood, cause of death wasn't directly drowning, re-open the case please.)

Anyways, I have a little down time now, and intend to catch up on my favorite prime time shows on my DVR. I recently got into "Flash Forward" which is filling the void in my heart Lost is leaving as it slowly goes away forever. I just realized what a typical American I am. I blog, I watch TV, I complain about my life (which in comparison is the highest level of heaven if you are a Somalian), I never seem to have time, and I am 26 and haven't settled down and aren't necessarily close. I like 'US and A" much like Borat. We are all (second generation on Americans) truly blessed to have been born into this life.

The music video of the day is by a man I met who was very kind, humble and everything you wish you saw in other artists, Mat Kearney and the song is "Closer to love"

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

1 Month out

It certainly isn't normal to look forward to doctor visits. I found it weird that I would be so anxious to see my surgeon for a followup. It would turn out that I am recovering amazingly fast and my surgical entry points look amazing according to the doc. He gave me a required recommendation to go to the general hospital to get my band filled with 2cc's of Saline solution. When the device was first installed it had 4cc's in it, and was capable of holding 12. Most lap band patients stop getting fills at 7 cc's. This tends to be the optimal squeeze to keep food out of the lower stomach long enough for your brain to receive the chemical responses that make a person feel full. I am excited that the real lap-band diet will be starting very soon. I am super excited, anxious, name your poison, for this weight loss to really get started and I can transform into the man I would really like to be. (On the outside)

I also got a chance to see the medical doctor which is associated with the surgical procedure. He informed me that I am doing great and that I have lost 60lbs since I started seeing him. Losing just 10% of a person's weight when obese can prevent a heart attack, stroke, and even the onset of diabetes. I definitely do not want any of those. The thought of gaining weight again, going back to be super obese, scares the living c#ap out of me. It is like my worst fear, being gigantic, nude on a bed like Manuel the worlds fatest man who cant find clothes. My only visitors, coming to either treat me or gawk at me. I can't allow this to happen. Ironically Manuel found love, and apparently consummated the marriage (don't know how, don't want to know how). This leads me to a universal truth that love isn't at all about physical attractiveness. We may be hormonally inclined to want to breed, but that has not a lot to do with who we want to talk to everyday, grow old with, and aid in all aspects of life, because that one person is your absolute world, and you cannot bare to be away from to long, because you feel incomplete, lost, and without direction. Manuel has been lucky, actually blessed more so than a lot of people, because he found love. I don't know if she was blind, loved the attention, or mentally unsound but let us pretend that fairy tale love does indeed exist.

Why am I talking about this? In confession, I haven't been in a serious relationship in a few years. I partly blame my weight for blinding potential suitors. I partly blame my lack of time. I work 35 hours a week, and I go to school full time at a real University for 12 units. I have a handicap father whom I am expected to help care for when my bread winning mother is out of town on business. I am not stating this as a "throw Steve a pity party" paragraph. I simply want to explain through my own observations that I have been feeling alone lately, and do not feel there is much I can do about. Perhaps there is not much I am willing to do about it. Perhaps I am internally scared that a girlfriend will be a distraction, or hurt me and make me feel foolish, or be a psychopath who never tells me she used my car to move the body's to the tomato garden at her house.

Therefore I am a man with many goals, hopes and fears. Here is my bucket list

1. Exercise more, step it up, and get rid of excuses like, "it is raining outside"
2. Follow the lap-band plan as safe and healthy as possible
3. Take a risk, a new risk, find new women to be a part of my life, and pursue new possibilities.
school seems like a good place to look.
4. Find my mystery Jewish biological grandfather, and the trail has just gotten warmer but more on that in a later blog.
5. Finish College. I have to step up my A's especially in history related topics in order to ensure a place in the masters program I choose.
6. Audition for Idol again because, "Dey dun know me, I go git my own dang contract yo, dey axe like I aint da next Idol hommie."

Good news. Sort of. My brother is short sale-ing his home and will be moving into our area. It will be nice being able to hang out and not drive 45 minutes to an hour away. I also adore my niece, she really is the cutest baby in the world, and no I am not bias, it has been proven. Who says historians need to be objective?

I began to plant my garden last week, and will have an awesome blend of colorful bulbs, and hearty veggies. I have a green thumb, i do not know why I am so good at this stuff. It also provides much needed extra exercise that isn't boring. The Pug dogs like to shadow me and let me know I am in "their" territory in the back yard. They give me the "are we helping" look. I would love to travel the world and see all the great gardens of the world, much like Audrey Hepburn did in 92 just before she passed.

The music video of the day is "Halfway gone" by Lifehouse

Friday, February 19, 2010

The longing for adventure

It has been 16 days post surgery, and my life is pretty much normal. I am almost 100% despite this protrusion from the left part of my stomach which is where the access post lies beneath the skin. School, has gotten rather boring as of late, leaving me hoping and praying that our professor will be so kind as to just let us go home.

The problem or rather the root of the problem, is I have been in Sacramento stuck here since last July when I came back from comic-con. I need to leave, escape at least to someplace 100miles or more away. This place would have to have no connection or relevancy to me whatsoever. Then I could just be the lazy tourist.

I was thinking lately of all the cool places I have lived that I wouldn't mind going back to. One of those places was Ranchos Palos Verdes. It has a low crime rate, ocean views, and lots of people far more snobby than I am. I also would not mind going back to the Sunnyvale area. They have a bunch of great universitys nearby, Mr. Chow's Chinese fast food, the shoreline amphitheatre, etc. When you live in Silicon Valley you really get the feeling of being in the "it" spot. It is as if all the world sort of revolves around everything that happens there, like google, yahoo, apple, Lockheed martin etc. I want to be a part of the "it" community. Sacramento is neither hot nor cold when it comes to this. IT is neither rural, and it definitely doesn't have the rush of a big city to it. I also very much loved living in Pacifica. Being just 15 minutes south of San Francisco and lying between natural cliffs and the ocean, one can feel as if they are on their own island. The community, has virtually the same weather all year long, it will never be below 40, and never hotter than the 90's. I loved how the fog would roll in during the fall and be trapped by the cliffs, keeping our town in a sort of Stephen King like spookiness. I miss the Taco Bell at the beach where I used to sit and watch the people training for surfing wipe out. Half Moon bay, a spot notorious for surfing is less than an hours drive away.

Alas, here I am, stuck due to finances, obligations, University enrollments, and job security. While establishing roots early, like I have was an intelligent thing, it has made it very difficult to escape. Perhaps I should join the circus. Sadly, I am spooked by clowns. I know I must keep hope alive. It isn't as if I have never seen the world. I have been all over the northern hemisphere. It is a very nice perspective to have, when you complain about things that do not matter, like waiting in line at a grocery store (at least we can buy food), complaining about movie prices (it is a blessing to have so much disposable income), and weather or not the water is hot enough in the shower (many people will never see water so clean, and could care less about temperature).

After a recent slew of DNA tests on various relatives in my family, it has become known that my grandfather, whom oddly my father was named after, is not in fact the biological father of my dad. Apparently, my grandmother had relations with an Ashkenazi Jewish man. A person of a recently immigrated family from Ukraine. That makes me a whole lot of Jew considering my mother. This experience has been very mind opening to me. I am as white as they come, and for all I knew growing up, I was a textbook WASP. Now I know that I am Hebrew, from a region of the world where pogroms, rapes, and cullings were near annual practices inflicted upon the Jewish minority. As I researched more and more my family history, and the history of the Ukrainian Jew, I began to see things through the eyes of the Jewish, something I was ignorant of before. It is no wonder in today's world so many Jewish people regardless of sect are so hesitant to have anything to do with anything Christian. For the last 1700 years, Jews have been made to suffer in the name of Christianity. So I have a message for the world. Love one another. Aren't we all children of the same G-d. We are all genetically 99.9 percent the same. We are one of the least diverse species despite the way we look. Other animals do not commit genocide against themselves. It is funny how we consider ourselves so intelligent as human beings.

In other news, My taxes are done, I will get a lot of money back, and now I need to file the F.A.F.S.A. to get my financial aid. I guess around this time, which is my late junior year, I should really start looking into grad schools for history. I need to stay in the California area out of practicality, I am not for dorm living 3000 miles away. When I said I wanted a PHD I meant it. I want to be a professor (If of course i am not famous for being amazing). If a child fails in K-12 schools they blame teachers or parents. When a person fails in college, they say it is the students fault for not studying hard enough. I would rather teach at a college level. Of course I may find a great job outside the teaching world. That would be nice. Sadly hit man is too in demand right now and highly competitive. I don't have skills for much else sadly.

Here is the music video of the day
"Higher" by Creed


Creed MySpace Music Videos

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Red Hearts

I was very pleased to see that the sun has come back to Sacramento. Lately, I have been sleeping in a lazyboy instead of my own bed. This isn't because I am lazy or weird (although I am), but because I am a belly sleeper, and I am tender after my surgery on the belly parts. There are advantages to sleeping on a lazy boy. For one, I get to watch the big TV, late into the night, as well as fall asleep in place, rather than have to get up and physically go to bed. I do hope I will be back in my own bed in a week however.

The Surgeons staff told me I needed a medical I.D. bracelet so in case something happens, the paramedics wont try to stick anything down my stomach while the lap band is in. So I ordered a bracelet online (Amazon, almost always has the best prices, if you are willing to wait a week to ship free), and needed to find an engraver to simply put "LAPBAND" on it. I figured the best place to do this would be the mall, because there are tons of stores and many jewelry and jewelry repair shops. The Galleria in Roseville, was built while I was in high school. It was a whole lot smaller then, and I remember frequently making it an after school hang out. It is sort of ironic, because the mall is so crowded that when I see high schoolers not buying anything and just hanging out, I want to throw something hypocritically at them. I digress. I found an engraver here in the modern mall which is easily double the size it was when it was first built, and now with 4 times the people. I had to kill a half hour while they worked on my medical ID. I walked around, went by the food court, and felt as if all eyes were on me. Perhaps they thought I was going to order a ton of food, or make myself miserable by ordering a pea on a plate. I showed them though. I walked by all the food establishments and then simply left without ordering anything. That must have been odd for the fat people watchers. Of course I have been known to overreact and be quite paranoid, but I assure you I took my medicine.

While walking out of the food court, I found one of those 80's style instant photo booths. I decided it would be fun to get my picture taken. One should know that I am 25 years old, yet I had issues figuring out the machine. I didn't ask for help, but some nice high schoolers were willing to help the old man figure out the machine, before he threw it over the railing to crash into the Mall's first floor. What do you know, those kids I was just complaining about proved good for something. I should re-think my life. Anyways, the photo turned out somewhat nice, and my head actually doesn't look like a basketball.

I returned to the non-English speaking engraver. He seemed to have trouble remembering me from a half hour prior, so I basically broke out into charades, and he figured out what I was looking for. They did a good job. There wasn't a typo that said like "life-bland" instead of Lapband. Sadly when I returned to my motor vehicle and attempted to put the bracelet on I found out it was too snug and that I should wait a few pounds before I wear it forever. I could also just wear the bracelet anyway and break my wrist when I lift something heavy, but that didn't sound fun.

I haven't made much progress in the last few days on my weight and just to clarify that isn't a bad thing, in fact it is a good thing. The most important thing about the first month is recovering and making sure you get plenty of nutrients especially proteins. If you don't eat a lot of proteins, you heal a whole lot slower, and when you do begin to lose weight your body can eat your muscle with the fat which is a bad thing, because the more muscle a person has the more calories they burn. I am like an expert on this stuff, which is ironic, because I am the one with a weight problem. OY VEY.

In 3 weeks I will get my first Saline injection into the band, which will inflate the tube around my stomach. I cant "wait", because that is when I lose the "weight". Pun Pun Pun. Monday I have no school and no work, but I will be spending my day catching up on homework I haven't done in a couple weeks, while I have been procrastinating and in recovery. Luckily most of that homework is watching movies. Yay, modern college is cool. Modern art is not so much. That is just an opinion. Have a good day, and I will keep on Trucking.

Below is my music video of the day, by the band "Skillet"

Thursday, February 11, 2010

"Times they are a changing" -Bob Dylan

I decided I wanted to blog about the things going on with me. I to often find myself thinking out loud and looking for someone or something to vent to .

Firstly, It has been 8 days since I had my surgery. I have to admit that the recovery for this laproscopic procedure has been quick (Not necessarily painless). It is all worth it I think. My father suffers from many problems relating back to his weight including the most horrible of all diabetes. I know that I don't want that to be me and that I would do about anything to make sure I don't follow in those footsteps. While my lapband is installed, it is not yet inflated with saline. Therefore, while my stomach heals, food can still fall in to the lower stomach where the digestive juices are waiting. In around 4 weeks, I will get my band inflated a little. If I still manage to have food slippage and thus hunger, I will have to go back and get more solution added to the band. This is sort of a trial and error system to find the sweet spot, the point where I can still eventually drop food to the lower stomach, but also have it sit in my stomach pouch long enough to release the chemical hormones that tell my brain I am full to the brim.

Once the sweet spot is established, I should see a significant drop in weight, that continues for years. I don't want to make a modest goal for myself like 200lbs. I want to be 170 or less. I want to be truly thin and truly healthy. I weigh myself everyday. I have a long way to go, but it is a journey I have taken before. I lost around 150 lbs towards the end of my senor year in high school (2002 Woodcreek), I joined the army when I lost my sense of direction. I wanted to be hero too, heck it all seemed like a good idea at the time. Sadly, I found it very hard to adapt to the harshness and grittiness that came with being an arctic soldier. I soon fell into depression, and despite running 5 miles a day for 3-4 days a week, I began to stuff myself in hopes subconsciously of filling the emptiness I felt inside. I went back to a bigger weight then where I started. I felt like a real failure. How could I let myself get fat once again. I began to realise that what I had wasn't an eating or self control problem. I began to see what I had as a disease, one that needed to be cured.

Sadly, there isn't a cure, but there are treatments. No matter how much weight I lose, the disease will be there still lingering, still waiting for the perfect opportunity it can sneak in and take control.

I don't want to be fat for 3 main reasons. The first being acceptance. It doesn't matter where I go, people respect fat people less. They are often seen as dumb or the walking dead, the disgusting, the losers with no self control, and often we are overlooked for a job, told we need to pay for an extra seat on the plane, or that we aren't "fit" for the role we are auditioning for, or simply too much of a risk to sky dive, or do anything fun for that matter. I walk into a restaurant and get an automatic audience of people who continually glance with smirks in my direction as I need. Rodney Dangerfield had an expression for this. I need not repeat it. The second reason not to be fat is health. Extra weight causes extra stress on organs and especially the heart. The heart has to pump harder to reach more surface area, making any physical activity enough to wind a big man. Also fat leads to Type 2 diabetes, which is slowly killing my father. That cannot and will not be me. I vow this. The 3rd reason to not be fat, is that the world is built for the small. Nobody likes to sit next to the fat dude in coach, who has squeezed into a chair that is small for a normal sized person. It is even more uncomfortable for that fat man. He doesn't really want to be all over the people next to him, nor no matter how bad he feels can he morph into a 150lb man. When you are skinny you can "fit in" literally. There is a 4th reason, unless you are from the Sudan or another remote starving 3rd world country, fat isn't sexy. And in order to prolong your genetic material one must procreate, and to do that attract a mate, and then be physically capable of mating. You can use your own imagination.

So I embark therefore on a journey. Not just a journey of struggle, as I try to become healthy, but a journey of self evaluation and reflection as I fight all the demons that lay buried in my psyche that perhaps put me in this predicament in the first place. I am very very blessed, to live in a country where food is available and cheap. I took advantage, and now it is time to be responsible. I am also blessed in the way of friends and family who are so willing to run in and help me walk when I feel like collapsing.

After 60lbs lost so far I am excited for the future.

....I will share more soon