1 Month out

It certainly isn't normal to look forward to doctor visits. I found it weird that I would be so anxious to see my surgeon for a followup. It would turn out that I am recovering amazingly fast and my surgical entry points look amazing according to the doc. He gave me a required recommendation to go to the general hospital to get my band filled with 2cc's of Saline solution. When the device was first installed it had 4cc's in it, and was capable of holding 12. Most lap band patients stop getting fills at 7 cc's. This tends to be the optimal squeeze to keep food out of the lower stomach long enough for your brain to receive the chemical responses that make a person feel full. I am excited that the real lap-band diet will be starting very soon. I am super excited, anxious, name your poison, for this weight loss to really get started and I can transform into the man I would really like to be. (On the outside)

I also got a chance to see the medical doctor which is associated with the surgical procedure. He informed me that I am doing great and that I have lost 60lbs since I started seeing him. Losing just 10% of a person's weight when obese can prevent a heart attack, stroke, and even the onset of diabetes. I definitely do not want any of those. The thought of gaining weight again, going back to be super obese, scares the living c#ap out of me. It is like my worst fear, being gigantic, nude on a bed like Manuel the worlds fatest man who cant find clothes. My only visitors, coming to either treat me or gawk at me. I can't allow this to happen. Ironically Manuel found love, and apparently consummated the marriage (don't know how, don't want to know how). This leads me to a universal truth that love isn't at all about physical attractiveness. We may be hormonally inclined to want to breed, but that has not a lot to do with who we want to talk to everyday, grow old with, and aid in all aspects of life, because that one person is your absolute world, and you cannot bare to be away from to long, because you feel incomplete, lost, and without direction. Manuel has been lucky, actually blessed more so than a lot of people, because he found love. I don't know if she was blind, loved the attention, or mentally unsound but let us pretend that fairy tale love does indeed exist.

Why am I talking about this? In confession, I haven't been in a serious relationship in a few years. I partly blame my weight for blinding potential suitors. I partly blame my lack of time. I work 35 hours a week, and I go to school full time at a real University for 12 units. I have a handicap father whom I am expected to help care for when my bread winning mother is out of town on business. I am not stating this as a "throw Steve a pity party" paragraph. I simply want to explain through my own observations that I have been feeling alone lately, and do not feel there is much I can do about. Perhaps there is not much I am willing to do about it. Perhaps I am internally scared that a girlfriend will be a distraction, or hurt me and make me feel foolish, or be a psychopath who never tells me she used my car to move the body's to the tomato garden at her house.

Therefore I am a man with many goals, hopes and fears. Here is my bucket list

1. Exercise more, step it up, and get rid of excuses like, "it is raining outside"
2. Follow the lap-band plan as safe and healthy as possible
3. Take a risk, a new risk, find new women to be a part of my life, and pursue new possibilities.
school seems like a good place to look.
4. Find my mystery Jewish biological grandfather, and the trail has just gotten warmer but more on that in a later blog.
5. Finish College. I have to step up my A's especially in history related topics in order to ensure a place in the masters program I choose.
6. Audition for Idol again because, "Dey dun know me, I go git my own dang contract yo, dey axe like I aint da next Idol hommie."

Good news. Sort of. My brother is short sale-ing his home and will be moving into our area. It will be nice being able to hang out and not drive 45 minutes to an hour away. I also adore my niece, she really is the cutest baby in the world, and no I am not bias, it has been proven. Who says historians need to be objective?

I began to plant my garden last week, and will have an awesome blend of colorful bulbs, and hearty veggies. I have a green thumb, i do not know why I am so good at this stuff. It also provides much needed extra exercise that isn't boring. The Pug dogs like to shadow me and let me know I am in "their" territory in the back yard. They give me the "are we helping" look. I would love to travel the world and see all the great gardens of the world, much like Audrey Hepburn did in 92 just before she passed.

The music video of the day is "Halfway gone" by Lifehouse

Lifehouse - Halfway Gone